Communicating With Your Teenager
Trish Feinthel and Michael Reisman
Families are acutely aware of the pressures facing our youth and teens on a daily basis. Pressure to excel in school and competitive sports comes from a loving place. We want our children to excel, plot a course for adulthood, and gain any possible edge for entrance into desired colleges and careers after high school. However, pressure from peers and social groups, coupled with the threat of in-person or online bullying, has proven devastating to a teenager’s self-esteem and outlook.
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), in 2021, more than 4 in 10 (42%) [high school] students felt persistently sad or hopeless and nearly one-third (29%) experienced poor mental health. More than 1 in 5 (22%) [high school] students seriously considered attempting suicide and 1 in 10 (10%) attempted suicide. Similarly, a 2021 report on youth mental health conducted by the PA Commission on Crime and Delinquency, found 37.4% of students in Bucks County ages 11-18 reported “feeling sad or depressed MOST days in the past 12 months.” (PA Dept. of Drug and Alcohol Programs; & PA Dept. of Education, 2022, p. 59) These numbers are of deep concern to the YMCA.
In a recent interview, Ellen Galinsky, author of The Breakthrough Years, A New Scientific Framework for Raising Thriving Teens, provided an innovative perspective for parents of adolescents and teens. She advocates a positive, proactive, skill-building approach to communication with our teens:
- The goal is to support your teen’s autonomy as a skill that can be practiced. Therefore as parents, we are helping them manage their home, school, sports and/or social management for themselves.
- Once they are around age 10, you can meet with your child to set expectations for behavior, and more importantly, honesty in communication. As they grow they will be able to articulate their expectations of you, and hearing them out is empowering for them.
- Agree to jointly solve problems in meeting those expectations - as your child begins to exert independence and pull away, their sense of safety and security knowing you are there in their corner provides stability when making choices and weighing social or behavioral risks.
- As role models, we must set an example of self-control and self-management in our own lives, especially at home, where we demonstrate on a regular basis how we, as adults, deal with stress and adversity.
Galinsky also offered strong advice based on key findings in her research with parents:
- Employ a growth or possibilities mindset that is flexible to change and influence by the child’s feedback. This opposes the fixed mindset, when as parents, we impose our world view of “the way things are.” Our children do not view the world through the same lens.
- Choose to see teen push-back/resistance as a challenge, not a threat. Threats put us into “fight or flight” mode. Challenges can be overcome through honesty and open dialogue.
- Parents must believe they have the capacity to handle the challenges. This self-efficacy combines the first two points. You CAN handle this, and some of us might have to fake it until we make it through practicing the mental and emotional gymnastics of the first two points.
We’ve heard it said many times, you cannot change others. You can only change yourself. When we make adjustments in our approaches to our children, youth and teens, their responses will naturally adjust as a consequence. As an organization, our Y seeks to employ the same wisdom for the youth of our community.
YMCA of Bucks and Hunterdon Counties launched the “Raise Up Our Youth” campaign this year to raise funds for expanding and updating the spaces and programs that serve youth and adolescents at our Quakertown branch. The overarching goal of the campaign is to provide healthy, safe spaces and programs for the youth of our Upper Bucks community to thrive - a distinct and more comprehensive hub than anywhere else within the community.
As an organization committed to healthy living, youth development and social responsibility (the three pillars of the YMCA mission), our Y takes very seriously our role to strengthen the overall health (mind, body and spirit) of our teens and adolescents. Taking a People First approach to mental health specifically, we are partnering with individuals, families and community stakeholders throughout Bucks and Hunterdon counties not only to raise funding for expanding the Quakertown branch, but also to raise awareness to the evolving needs of our youth. Please consider a contribution of any amount to the Raise Up Our Youth campaign. To learn more about this amazing plan please visit The Raise Up our Youth webpage.
References
Center For Disease Control. (n.d.). Mental Health | DASH | CDC. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
National Public Radio & Galinsky, E. (2024, March 26). How to better understand the teenagers in your life. In NPR: 1A [Radio/online]. 1A.
PA Dept. of Drug and Alcohol Programs; & PA Dept. of Education. (2022). 2021 Pennsylvania Youth Survey [Empowering Communities to Develop Strategic Prevention Programming]. 2021 PA Youth Survey: Bucks County.
About the Authors
Trish Feinthel is the chief operations officer of YMCA of Bucks and Hunterdon Counties since 2011 and has served the Y movement for 27 years in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Trish was awarded the 2023 YMCA Women of the Year award, in part for her work leading the Y’s free, donor-funded Pathway programs including the Healthy Horizons Pathway program for mental health wellness support. Empower U (for girls) and Stand Up (for boys) are pathway programs that help teens maintain health and wellness as they navigate their world of school, home and social media.
Michael Reisman is association director of communications for YMCA of Bucks and Hunterdon Counties. He earned a Master’s Degree n Education from University of Washington in 2011, and has over 20 years professional experience working with children and families. Michael has been with the Y since 2017.